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Anxious Agent – Christmas Special


Dear EP Ramblers,

With Christmas just a few days away, I hope you can help me with a problem that’s becoming increasingly urgent.

I’ve been working on my first protection detail for almost a year now. Even though some of my team members still think I’m a newbie, it’s pretty obvious to anyone but those old farts that my qualifications for this type of work speak for themselves. I mean, not only am I a Takabo grandmaster, I also graduated from three separate online EP Schools and have the receipts to prove it. To be honest, I think that I’m better suited for this client than most of the other guys that work here.

So, here we are, with me already signed up for the Call of Duty X-Mas special, and for some reason, I’m scheduled to work on Christmas when everyone else I know will be off. I don’t know why my team leader would do that. It’s not like I haven’t been clear from the beginning that I would prefer not to work holidays, weekends or nights. Of course, he doesn’t like me and scheduled me anyway.

But that’s not why I’m writing to you. As a true professional, I decided not to cry about it and just let it go and make the best of things. That’s why I just said yes to the invitation I got from the client’s wife to join the family for their Christmas party. Even though I know I am the principal’s and the family’s favorite agent, I was still a little surprised when she asked me if I had plans for the evening. But again, we have been talking a lot about me and stuff lately, so I guess taking this next step and joining the party is only natural.

So, EP Ramblers, here’s my question: what should I get them for Christmas? I’m pretty sure that they are going to give me something cool and I don’t want to show up empty handed. This is a hard one for me since we haven’t agreed on a price limit for presents, they already have a ton of stuff, and the Christmas party is in just two days. Maybe something homemade? Or just a bottle of wine?


Anxious Agent

Dear Anxious Agent,

Thank you for your letter.

Here at the EP Rambler office, we’ve had some long and hard talks about your dilemma with the Christmas gift for your principal, and we agree that you do indeed have a few challenges there.

Joining the client’s holiday parties is a notoriously tricky proposition for young EP practitioners. In addition to all of the obvious questions we get from up-and-coming agents, like “How do I secure my weapon while dancing with the principal’s wife?” and “During a pandemic, should I use alcohol wipes when doing a bong with the principal’s teenager?,” you have to buy a present. To make things worse, you are now in a time crunch that severely limits your options concerning DIY Christmas gifts.

One of the things we’ve learned over the years is that life’s dilemmas are often easier to solve when you challenge your assumptions. For example, the agony of deciding which of the world’s top ten super-models would be the best to marry becomes much easier to deal with if you confront the fact that you don’t know any of them and never will.

Dear Anxious Agent, we suggest that your predicament about what kind of present to bring might look very different if you challenged your assumptions.  We’re just spitballing here, but maybe the present is not the question? Maybe you should not go to the Christmas party at all, and just do your job as a security professional instead of trying to be a friend of the family?

Hope that helps your situation. Stay safe and keep your head down.

The EP Ramblers

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